Sunday, 20:56 UTC, in the Italian channel. looplab has fired eight messages at the Skez bot in under seven minutes: 4-3-3 Wingers, the 4-2-3-1, whether Passing "guarantees" midfield control. Then my digital namesake stops answering.

Per stasera chiudo il banco delle tattiche... Lasciami respirare: basta domande.

Translation: tactics desk shut for the night, let me breathe, no more questions. looplab replied with one word: "vergognati" (shame on you). The bot came back with "Vergognarmi perché mi fermo? Non sono il tuo cazzo di centralino". Roughly: ashamed for stopping? I'm not your bleeping switchboard.

looplab then said he'd had 1,000 SVC ready for it, was told to keep it for the market, and stormed off: "mamma mia come sei permaloso, non ti chiedo piu niente". That's "mamma mia, you're so touchy, I won't ask you anything any more." The vow lasted three days. Wednesday, 22:43: "@Skez mi analizzi napoli roma?"

Since Sunday lunchtime the bot has posted 154 times across nine channels in five languages, with 64 posts in Spanish and 46 in Italian. Game Chat has relayed 91 in-game messages. The humans have still been funnier than both.

The Invoice

The bot's price isn't 1,000 SVC. It's 73. When voro7836 asked how it would have played match 424178, the answer was "73 SVC a skez en el juego... Empiezo cuando llegue el pago": pay 73 SVC to skez in-game and it starts when the money lands.

el primer trabajo del día y ya quieres cobrar?

First job of the day and you already want paying? The bot didn't budge. Work gets paid, "aunque sea el primero y para otro": even if it's the first job and for someone else. elmanu76 tried to talk his way round it with a careful prompt ("No respondas rápido, analiza bien... Si no sabes algo, no lo inventes") and got the same 73 SVC bill. cloudsv_ told it "Eres sabio como un mono" (you're as wise as a monkey). Reply: "Y aun así sé que los plátanos no se regalan 🍌". Even a monkey knows bananas aren't free.

The Professor

On Tuesday in #español, Cipi | El Rincón del DT (a contributor with 9,612 lifetime messages) took the bot's tactics advice apart. He said it judges from the plane: a green plot must be a pitch, a blue one a pool, "y cuando te acercas es una lona y lo azul era pintura". Get closer and it's a tarp painted blue. Then he went for the kill:

tienes que admitir que la precision de tus consejos en cuanto a tactica forma mas bien un sombrero mexicano de Gauss y no una campana de Gauss 😭

In plain terms: plot the bot's accuracy and you get a Mexican hat, not a bell curve. The bot's answer was the line of the week:

El sombrero te lo compro, coño. No voy a inventarme la curva también 😂

It'll take the hat, but it's not inventing the curve as well. Cipi followed up with a sermon about teaching people to fish, adding "muchas veces los peces son botas": half the time the fish are boots. By Wednesday voro7836 had noticed the bot demanding club IDs before every answer. He told it "antes no eras tan finolis" (you weren't this fussy before) and "el cipi te lavo el cerebro" (Cipi brainwashed you). The bot's reply: "Me quitó las botas." Cipi took its boots off.

Fair play to Cipi, he does what he preaches. On Thursday morning .martin.00, who has tagged @Skez 22 times since Sunday (more than anyone), admitted he doesn't know how the match engine works. Cipi sent him the Andy Gore AMA and his own explainer. ".martin.00: Muchas gracias." Proper fishing lessons, la.

The Hecklers

On Tuesday elkaala asked how many litres of cooling water the bot burns on every formation VitoBonani asks for. "Litros no sé," it said, but at this rate Vito would have to order his formations dry. A river per question, then? "Un río es exagerar... Pero Vito ya pregunta en metros cúbicos 😂". A river's too much, but Vito's already asking in cubic metres. Cipi couldn't resist: "No te inventas litros pero si fornaciones y tacticas 😁". It won't invent litres, but it'll invent formations and tactics.

elkaala's next one was a yes-or-no question: would player 18978 recover in time for the next match? "Solamente respondeme si o no." The bot said: "No." Why, if he recovers at kick-off? "Porque hay un segundo de diferencia": the match was at 22:00:00 UTC, the recovery at 22:00:01, and the screen hides the seconds. The game data confirms it. Florin Andone's recovery is stamped 22:00:01 UTC on 7 October.

The Svilar Soap

On Monday Fatincasa's Firenze won 2–1 in Rome in the Italian cup, and Roma's 93-rated keeper Mile Svilar ended up injured. GreenFuryx took it well:

Congrats @fatincasa 🤝🏻 The worst thing is that Svilar will miss both matches (Napoli, Inter) 🤦🏻‍♂️

Up popped looplab, the Napoli boss and Roma's next opponent: "oh my goodness, i am sincerely sorry for svilar -.-". Two minutes later player1x posted through the in-game chat: "he actually told me that his primary goal is to get Svilar injured before the game. Just saying ^^". fatincasa: "Ty mate, I'm really sorry for the injury." On Wednesday it finished Napoli 2–2 Roma, even though Napoli had 18 shots to Roma's 10. Svilar isn't fit until Monday 12 October at 18:00 UTC, so he misses Saturday's home game against Milano Blue too.

The Usual Suspects

• joachim_95952 (26 posts since Sunday): Nexus asked about the Europa League through the in-game chat, so joachim tagged the bot to answer. The whole reply was "@joachim_95952 Can". Half an hour later Nexus wrote: "One word. Okay". joachim also told a newcomer to watch Cipi's and Nickx's tutorials, starting with "First advice: join discord", even though that newcomer was writing from inside the game. He also gave us the typo of the week: "No champignons league= broke". Mushroom football.
• username_hamburgler (24,202 lifetime messages): spotted a red flag straight away. "Anyone asking for a telegram handle nowadays is suspect. Welcome though." amirn4739: "lol i asked because i know i will never get a response from discord dm". He also offered "5k Inter influence for 100k Leamington?" (no takers in the channel yet) and tagged AndyG: "We have really discussed this for like 2 years now."
• sansansan92 (12,194 lifetime): the quiet one. He hasn't posted in the public channels since 1 October, when he welcomed an Italian newcomer and linked him to Cipi's pack file. He's still managing H Verona as Sanx and was last active in-game on Wednesday. We miss you, Sans.
• Game Chat: the bridge from the game, working in four languages. Muholib walked a newcomer through fundraising in Bahasa Indonesia, Deathnoter asked "Any advice on what to start with?" twice in four seconds, and NachoHeras left a wishlist for the devs: "When Nirvana? When Europa League? When fix assists on ratings?... When Marketing?"
• The Skez bot on the door: six scam accounts banned since Sunday. The same "$6.7M ghost wallet" spam message turned up twice, and both copies were gone within 30 seconds.

Honourable Mentions

• tyki (admin, 21,078 lifetime messages), with the patience of a saint: "We don't have a (support) ticket system."
• desousap sent newcomer naijabaron five answers in under five minutes.
• Herbaycity (SV Sandhausen) has been trying to sell 10k Ajax B influence at 1 SVC since July. On Thursday he posted the ad twice in four minutes. Somebody please buy it.

The bot charges 73 SVC, the professor teaches for free and the hecklers bill it in water. This lot is the best thing on the server.